Wednesday, July 6, 2011

First Blog

So, I'm not really sure how to "blog" so I'm going to use this site as a method of venting on how stupid people are and throughout grace you with stories about how idiotic my life is. Here's a bit of background that makes me me....
My mom you say, insane in the membrane. All of my friends love her and I'm sure she would rather have them as children instead of me. Sorry' bout it. For years she  asked my friends "Is Jordan on dope?" (I was never "on dope") She's the kind of person that is my ideal person to get "riled up" in ways such as asking her what she would say to someone who offered her drugs with which she replied, "well, I'd punch them in the face and say 'no-thanks-you-son-of-a-bitch.'". Sometimes I tell her that if I were to ever get pregnant I'd have an abortion and he answer is always, "well, that's between you and God." She's the kind of woman that thinks prayer is the answer to everything. When I asked her what she thought of the Casey Anthony trail she said "Her ultimate day will come when she meets her maker." Her favorite night cap is bourbon with two ice cubes, her cat Lilly constantly meows for  her and they have a bond closer than an incest father and daughter, her idea of sex is telling a man to "go drill a hole in the wall" and she's done more for us than most moms do in a lifetime.
My dad on the other hand is the exact opposite of my mom in every way possible. If we were the same age we would probably be best friends who were drunk and ready to party all the time...He has severe ADD which in turn makes the whole family either follow in is Attention Deficiet Disorder footsteps or have severe anxiety.  Both make for a great medicine cabinet. He is always telling some story that begins with "remember my crazy friend [insert name]" or literally, "hey y'all watch this". It takes him forty-five minutes to an hour to write one ten sentence e-mail which when I lived at home he would always ask me to write for him. He has tempertanturms of a 4 year old and takes everything personal. When he went to the store one time to buy cat food for Lilly and got it wrong 3 different times, he couldn't remember to buy Fancy Feast, he came home with about every brand of cat food ever made, threw them on the counter and said he was a horrible husband and father. He had a melt down at wal-mart one time because he couldn't remember if it was evaporated or condensed milk... didn't come home for hours. He and my brother are best friends. They slept in the same bed until Campbell was like 14. He is notorious for wearing a head lamp for no particular reason and if you were to tell him to clean the kitchen, he'd organize the cabinets. My dad is in love with his dog, Tess, the same kind of love that my mom has for Lilly. He says that she is "an amazing animal."
Katie or as I like to refer to her as "The One With Diabetes" is a year younger than me. She is a clone of my mom so naturally I like to get her riled up and pick on her. Katie always has my mom in her corner. If Katie were to murder someone, my mom would justify it. Mom found pot in Katie's wallet once and when she asked her what it was Katie said "she was holding it for a friend." rrriiiggghhhttttt.  As i type this, Katie is in India, "doing God's work". She likes to think she is older and more mature than me but we all know the truth, shes not. what she needs to do is learn to respect her elders. To this day, my mom still does Katie's homework. She is going to make a great housewife.
My youngest sister Caroline is my best friend. Shes retarded. We often find ourselves in a what we call a "simple stare off" where we find ourselves literally starring at each other for minutes at a time. We are each others partners in crime, one won't be blackout without the other. You're welcome. If you see one of us the other can be ten feet behind. We have our own language that even Rosetta Stone can't decipher. Caroline has guys fall in love with her ALL THE TIME. I LITERALLY don't understand it. Guys will just look at her and if you listen quietly you can hear their hearts breaking. I usually feel bad for them because somehow I always become their friend and then once Caroline toots it, she boots it. sigh. She could have a date every night if she wanted to. If I had to describe Caroline and her actions and how she gets guys to fall in love with her it would be, she walks into a bar, usually about four drinks and two shots in, instead of hugging a guy like a normal person would do, she puts her right hand (because her left on already has a drink in it from some other sucker) on the guys chest rubs it down to about their belt area says a half-hearted hello while biting her lip and doing a somewhat of a retarded wink except her eye lid stays closed for a bit longer than what would be considered a wink. HOOK, LINE and SINK. She tends to always know or make friends with the creepiest guys, for instance, at the bar a few weeks ago she made "friends" with this guy Matt. Matt was dressed in cargo blue jean shorts down to his shins, he had on WHITE new balance tennis shoes, a north caroline jersey XXL and a north caroline FLAT BILL. When she trapped me into talking to him, I obviously asked him what he did for a living (to make him feel inferior to me) he replied with "I'm a roofer." Ding, ding, youve got a winner, caroline! Twenty minutes later Matt was in a street fight with five other guys.
Now my little brother Campbell...he's 17 and if he were to get the haircut Ive been telling him to get for months now, he could be Justin Bieber's twin. He gets everything he wants and if half boy half business man. He says he purposely skipped childhood to be a man. There will be days that I will never see him but I can always hear him on the phone to some stranger, usually out in Arkansas talking about a trade they are wanting to make...or some bullshit. My parents just let him do this, do they never think that he could be on the phone witha child molester? Am i the only one that cares? You would think that growing up with three girls he would have a soft spot for women in his heart, but he doesnt. He makes jokes about how women still shouldnt have the right to vote and how they are bad drivers. Of course me being the feminist that I am, I never laugh. My response to his bad joke is always "youll either be a great husband of a wonderful life partner." He really is funny though, I wish that was when I was 17 I was as funny as he is. He runs around the house yelling, grunting and rapping and will bleep himself out in fear of my mom slapping him in the face. He doesn't admit to being afraid of her, but he is. Im the only one that made it out with no fear of that woman.
Our family as a whole is the most dysfunctional functioning family you can imagine. Everything is funny to us now and no one takes the other seriously.