Monday, August 29, 2011

what makes a good dad

for those of you that know me, you know that i tweet about "dads" all the time. there is nothing better than a hott dad. no, im not talking about dads like danny tanner or bill cosby, im talking dads that roam campus  in outfits you could wear on easter, hair cuts with a purpose, some dads might not even be in college but  in order to be a dad they have to have a job. these dads dont always have to be greek and not all greeks are dads. there are a FEW athlete dads, assistant coaches are always dads and dads that are younger than 40 with a wedding band and young kids are obviously dads. on rare occasions, you can have a single man who is just holding a baby and he automatically becomes a dad.

characteristics of some dads:
pull overs
cole haan loafers
justin or ariat boots
classic levi jeans, light wash; sometimes wranglers
most dads are oblivious to the fact that they already are dads, unless they actually are dads
80% of dads dont have girlfriends yet
a guaranteed dad is one that drives a tahoe or truck
raybans over costas
backwards hats may or may not be a dad quality, depends on the outfit and the time of day and if it is football season
some actual fathers may not qualify to be a dad
all friends hot dads are dads
96% of dads keep their tabs open at the bar
if youre confused about deciding if a dad is in fact a dad or not, wait until he smiles, if he has dimples, hes a dad
dads like to hunt, every dad should own one gun

now, i understand this may be confusing for some of you so let me give you a visual...

These are DADS!!!!
classic dads
football dad
frat dads
actual dad and son
celebrity dad
single guy plays with nephew= dad
dad and sons


Sunday, August 28, 2011

commercials that freak me out

ive been wanting to do a blog about commercials that freak me out but i havent had my internet set up until tonight so now i can watch tv and be on the internet at the same time and really live the american dream. (and have a really long run on sentence) so knoxville has really shitty and low budget commercials that air on the reg and there is literally nothing like them. some of you may get this blog and some of you may not.

these guys have about 6 commercials that alternate and this isnt even the best one...

ok this one isnt knoxville, obviously, but jess really freaks me out bc its chaz bono's twin. and when i eat dominos the last thing i want to think about is, "did chaz bono make this pizza?"
chaz bono

this one is a video of a commercial but its SO BAD. this little boy and the realtor should be embarrassed.

um....there almost arent words for this one. nice try though- tennessee bonding co

i want to add more but i cant remember anymore of my favorites right now...ill just continually add to this if any of you care.

moving the couch

Ok, so I honestly don't know why my life is the way it is. I literally tell stories of things that happen to me that no one believes. Here is one of those:
So a few weeks back, I was obviously at the bar with a bunch of my friends and at this point I was about 25 minutes from literally blacking out. Before the bar we had gone to eat Mexican and by "eat" I mean drink margaritas. So as I'm sitting at the bar out side of my friend circle, I notice this guy flirting with my bar tender friend, who is a boy. So being the nice person that I am, I figured I would intervene and save my friend. So I turn to this guy who I thought was sitting next to me but soon find out he is standing. He has on asics, cargo shorts (that was hard for me to type), and some version of a bad concert t-shirt. So I start to talk to him and find out that he just moved to Knoxville, he is a grad student concentrating on the Civil War. So he buys me a beer, we talk for what felt like a lifetime before Caroline literally drags me away. I told her she over reacted because he was gay and there was nothing to worry about.
Flash forward two weeks- My friend Joanna and I are sharing pitchers at the same bar and somehow the Civil War guy walks up. I recognize his face and he starts talking to me. I tell him that he looks familiar and he reminds me of our night together. I find out his name is Eric. I tell Eric that I have to finish moving that week but I am having trouble finding a decent guy to let us use his truck. Well, low and behold, Eric drives a truck. We exchange numbers and he tells me he would be glad to help us move. Before the night was over I knew I wasn't going to be asking Eric to help us move. Joanna also told me that Eric was not gay.
The next day Caroline barges in my room and says, "I don't care what we have to do, we HAVE to find someone help us!" It wasn't 5 minutes later before Eric text me. The nicest text message ever, by the way. Something along the lines of, "hey Jordan, its Eric. If you still need help moving I'd be glad to help you. I have a buddy coming up from Florida today around 5 so we can probably knock it out real quick." I must have still been drunk because I text him back saying "thanks! that would be great!" So of course all day I was nervous about this big move because I had only been around Civil War Eric wasted. Oh- here are some things I forgot: Eric is 29, from Chicago, went to Florida and his "buddy" that was coming to visit him was like the father figure he never had, Uncle Bob. I had completely forgotten about the "Uncle Bob" part. So around 6 Eric text me and ask when we should go, I tell him 6:30 he says great.
So it's 6:15 and I'm stressing out thinking, "please don't let this be awkward!!" I tell Caroline that she HAS to ride with us that I am  NOT going alone. I hardly know this guy, what if he wants to kidnap me?? What if he's one of those guys that I watch shows about on the ID channel? By this time I'm like in a full out sweat about how nervous I am. So 6:30 rolls around and "Eric Civil War" pops up on my phone. I answer and he tells me that he is pulling up...I see his truck and realize the worst thing that could have happened....HE DRIVES A TWO DOOR TRUCK WITH ROOM FOR 3!!!!!!!! It takes me .2 seconds to realize I have to go alone. I immediately want to vomit. He knocks on the door, I open it to realize "Uncle Bob" is like a 65 year old man, in jorts and a straight up white tee, tucked in, no belt and a camo Tennessee hat...the worst kind. It takes all that I have not to yell "What the fuck?" Caroline and my roomate Jordan literally start laughing in their faces. I turn around, tell Caroline that if at any point  I stop texting her to call 911.
So we all load in the truck, of course I sat in the middle and immediately regretted giving him my number. I was so awkward that I LITERALLY thought I was either going to pass out or throw up. It took us about 15 minutes to get to where our couch was and in the fifteen minutes I couldn't tell you one thing about what we talked about because I basically blacked out. I do remember that the reason Uncle Bob was in town was TO HELP ERIC SET UP HIS....of all things...WATERBED. I had to bite my lips together not to laugh. Their relationship was really weird, which brings me back to the point of maybe they were gay together? I don't know, what 29 year old man A. sleeps in a waterbed and B. is best friends with a 65 year old man? Did I forget to tell you that Uncle Bob was staying for a week?? It's weird isn't it?! So we load up the truck and head back to our apartment. Caroline hadn't stopped texting me and when we got back Caroline and Jordan were still laughing about the situation. I tell them to chill it out before they came in and I would tell them everything when they left. So as Eric and Uncle Bob are saying their goodbyes, I went to hug Eric to say thank you and he went in for a kiss?? I'm not sure where he was trying to plan his lips but they awkwardly landed where my jaw and ear come together. I tense up, he realizes he has made a mistake and Caroline yells and walks out of the room. I shut the door, tell Caroline and Jordan to wait until they pull out before yelling and I literally fell on the floor because I couldn't believe that had just happened to me. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry. Now every time I sit on our stupid couch I think about Eric and Uncle Bob and the most awkward time of my life.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

sorry this is like a month late

btw it took me like an hour to remember my user name and password.

Blog entry II

Sorry for the delay on the blog, I know you’ve all been holding your breath. I’ve had a lot of fans ask me to blog about this past Saturday night because, if you follow me on twitter, you would know that things were a little out of control. Caroline and I were driving to Knoxville from Florence and we had been in the car for about an hour which was an hour too long for someone to ask if  “are we going out tonight?” we both started laughing and gave each other sly smiles that meant, “duh”. So as I increased the speed from 75 mph to about 90 mph, because clearly we had plans, we started texting people to get the ball rolling.
I told Caroline that I was “scared” to go out to tonight. Here’s the back-story; last time Caroline and I had gotten back into Knoxville our dad stayed the night. He asked us if he wanted us to join him at this party at this million dollar mansion, a “welcome to our new house party”, I asked if there would be an open bar, he said yes, so the answer was obvious. Caroline, my friend Megan and I roll up with my dad to this Italian style mansion…blah, blah, blah, open bar. We start off with champagne, 1,2,3 glasses later, “Ill have a vodka tonic please”. After my fifth VT I realized I’m wasted and I drag everyone to Jimmy Johns. We get there and I couldn’t order a beach fucking club fast enough. From this point Caroline has to fill in the blanks. She says I had been in contact with one of my former victims (hook ups) I tell him to come to Jimmy J’s and to meet my dad?? WHAT & WHY??? But that wasn’t the only reason I was scared to go out Saturday.

On a normal or what seemed to be a normal Tuesday, the next week, our neighb Deavs, asked us if we wanted to go to trivia night at a place on the strip. Being awesome at trivia and wanting to drink I oblige. We get there, I obviously don’t order food (I would rather have liquid carbs) and start drinking. About 3 beers in I realize that everyone is kinda being chill and not downing their drinks? This is weird to me? I don’t understand? I felt alone. Whatever- Ill have another please. So after trivia was over and we came in third because of the nerds from the Vet school teamed up and cheated, I begged everyone to run across the street to a place that has one dollar drinks from 9-10, we have 10 minutes; clearly enough time to black out. Everyone said they would go to the bar across the street but after go home- whatever, babies. So in order to get my way, I beg Caroline and we take everyone home and Caroline and I go back to the strip. We go to another bar, just the two of us and order a beer. By this time I am straight up ready to RAGE. I also sent my friend a text that said this “I’m wasted. No one cares. Goodbye.”  “You’re my only friend, (not really, but  kinda)”. I also told a random guy sitting in front of me that he “won the prize” that his cologne smelled like ten thousand dollars….that ass hole didn’t make friends with me. So being bored with that bar I tell Caroline we are going to another bar. Well the dick that was working the door wouldn’t let me in because I didn’t have my license. I had given my keys to one of the girls that had gone back home and my license was with her. So the “bouncer” who looked like he hit every ugly branch on the way down, wouldn’t let me in. So my underage sister gets in and she and all of my friends go to the window and wave to me outside. I sit at a bench like a little brat saying really mean things to the warden of the door and from this point on it gets a little hazy. What seems like hours later which in reality was ten minutes, my friend Jordan, came with my i.d. I flash it in front of the dick hole and say “see I told you I’m 22.” As I walk in I go straight to the bar and order, of all fucking things, two Jager shots. WHAAATTT???? Why??? 

At this point I become black out and I can only give you bits and pieces of the night: I WAS BLOWING money... ON. A. TUESDAY. I just remember running around being really hot and talking in a high-pitched baby voice? HOLY SHIT!! I had become the girl that I hate. I soon realize this and not having very good coping skills I don’t know what to do so the only logical thing I can think of is to order another shot? At the bar I look at my phone and it says 11:37. ARE YOU KIDING? I just kept thinking, “fuck”. So I turn around and another on of my previous victims is there and being that I hadn’t seen him all summer, I was kind of excited to see him. He was playing darts and I WAS SO OBNOXIOUS. I begged him and his friend to let me “shoot”.  At this point they should have just shot the dart straight between my eyes. I go to shoot, loose my balance and the dart hits the baseboard of the floor. Time to go home. That’s the last thing I remember. I wake up the next morning in the guy who was playing dart’s bed. It takes me a good thirty seconds to realize what had happened. I don’t remember leaving the bar, I have no idea how his clothes were on me; I have no idea what time it is, where my phone is, or if “anything” happened. Still don’t. So as I walk in my apartment door, well low and behold, so is little sister Caroline. She just looked at me, said she hated me because she blacked out just trying to keep up with me. We go in go to bed and I remember thinking “I AM GOING TO DIE.” It was by far the WORST hangover of my entire life. EVER. NUMERO UNO! I honest to god couldn’t move my eyes without tears coming out. All I could do was lay in my bed and make noises, “call of the wild” noises, if you will. 

So as you can see with my previous history of first nights back in town, it was reasonable to be scared.  We go out, things were pretty normal on this night except at the one bar, I will refer to it as “home”, there were just straight up stupid freaks there. Everyone was getting on my nerves, there was vomit all over 2 of the 3 bathroom stalls and at this point I was at all cost avoiding going to the bathroom. I somehow got really drunk, surprise, surprise and when I got home decided to read OF ALL THINGS these child hood books that I found called “The Holy Spirit”. I read it to everyone exactly as a black preacher would preach to his congregation. I was yelling so loud that our neighbors came and checked on us. I told them “everything was fine because the Holy Spirit was with us”. After that I blacked out and fell asleep.