Sunday, August 28, 2011

moving the couch

Ok, so I honestly don't know why my life is the way it is. I literally tell stories of things that happen to me that no one believes. Here is one of those:
So a few weeks back, I was obviously at the bar with a bunch of my friends and at this point I was about 25 minutes from literally blacking out. Before the bar we had gone to eat Mexican and by "eat" I mean drink margaritas. So as I'm sitting at the bar out side of my friend circle, I notice this guy flirting with my bar tender friend, who is a boy. So being the nice person that I am, I figured I would intervene and save my friend. So I turn to this guy who I thought was sitting next to me but soon find out he is standing. He has on asics, cargo shorts (that was hard for me to type), and some version of a bad concert t-shirt. So I start to talk to him and find out that he just moved to Knoxville, he is a grad student concentrating on the Civil War. So he buys me a beer, we talk for what felt like a lifetime before Caroline literally drags me away. I told her she over reacted because he was gay and there was nothing to worry about.
Flash forward two weeks- My friend Joanna and I are sharing pitchers at the same bar and somehow the Civil War guy walks up. I recognize his face and he starts talking to me. I tell him that he looks familiar and he reminds me of our night together. I find out his name is Eric. I tell Eric that I have to finish moving that week but I am having trouble finding a decent guy to let us use his truck. Well, low and behold, Eric drives a truck. We exchange numbers and he tells me he would be glad to help us move. Before the night was over I knew I wasn't going to be asking Eric to help us move. Joanna also told me that Eric was not gay.
The next day Caroline barges in my room and says, "I don't care what we have to do, we HAVE to find someone help us!" It wasn't 5 minutes later before Eric text me. The nicest text message ever, by the way. Something along the lines of, "hey Jordan, its Eric. If you still need help moving I'd be glad to help you. I have a buddy coming up from Florida today around 5 so we can probably knock it out real quick." I must have still been drunk because I text him back saying "thanks! that would be great!" So of course all day I was nervous about this big move because I had only been around Civil War Eric wasted. Oh- here are some things I forgot: Eric is 29, from Chicago, went to Florida and his "buddy" that was coming to visit him was like the father figure he never had, Uncle Bob. I had completely forgotten about the "Uncle Bob" part. So around 6 Eric text me and ask when we should go, I tell him 6:30 he says great.
So it's 6:15 and I'm stressing out thinking, "please don't let this be awkward!!" I tell Caroline that she HAS to ride with us that I am  NOT going alone. I hardly know this guy, what if he wants to kidnap me?? What if he's one of those guys that I watch shows about on the ID channel? By this time I'm like in a full out sweat about how nervous I am. So 6:30 rolls around and "Eric Civil War" pops up on my phone. I answer and he tells me that he is pulling up...I see his truck and realize the worst thing that could have happened....HE DRIVES A TWO DOOR TRUCK WITH ROOM FOR 3!!!!!!!! It takes me .2 seconds to realize I have to go alone. I immediately want to vomit. He knocks on the door, I open it to realize "Uncle Bob" is like a 65 year old man, in jorts and a straight up white tee, tucked in, no belt and a camo Tennessee hat...the worst kind. It takes all that I have not to yell "What the fuck?" Caroline and my roomate Jordan literally start laughing in their faces. I turn around, tell Caroline that if at any point  I stop texting her to call 911.
So we all load in the truck, of course I sat in the middle and immediately regretted giving him my number. I was so awkward that I LITERALLY thought I was either going to pass out or throw up. It took us about 15 minutes to get to where our couch was and in the fifteen minutes I couldn't tell you one thing about what we talked about because I basically blacked out. I do remember that the reason Uncle Bob was in town was TO HELP ERIC SET UP HIS....of all things...WATERBED. I had to bite my lips together not to laugh. Their relationship was really weird, which brings me back to the point of maybe they were gay together? I don't know, what 29 year old man A. sleeps in a waterbed and B. is best friends with a 65 year old man? Did I forget to tell you that Uncle Bob was staying for a week?? It's weird isn't it?! So we load up the truck and head back to our apartment. Caroline hadn't stopped texting me and when we got back Caroline and Jordan were still laughing about the situation. I tell them to chill it out before they came in and I would tell them everything when they left. So as Eric and Uncle Bob are saying their goodbyes, I went to hug Eric to say thank you and he went in for a kiss?? I'm not sure where he was trying to plan his lips but they awkwardly landed where my jaw and ear come together. I tense up, he realizes he has made a mistake and Caroline yells and walks out of the room. I shut the door, tell Caroline and Jordan to wait until they pull out before yelling and I literally fell on the floor because I couldn't believe that had just happened to me. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry. Now every time I sit on our stupid couch I think about Eric and Uncle Bob and the most awkward time of my life.

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