Tuesday, June 19, 2012

50 Shades Explained

Ok, so in record timing, I read all 3 50 shades books. In my last post I said I would have to get back to you on whether or not I loved Christian, well the answer is YES!!!!! I'm seriously in love with him. Which actually, makes me more pathetic. Not only did I give in to reading the books in the first place, but now I LOVE the protagonist??? I'm such a loser.

Christian is so perfect. I wasn't sure about the BDSM obsession in the beginning or the fact that he was a broken man...but like now, I don't even care. the BDSM isn't even that bad. (did i just say that?) All he wants to do is love and protect stupid Ana. Isn't that what we all want? I understand completely why Ana is under his spell. The way he acts, the things he says to her, the things he gives her..... I mean, COME ON! But don't let my love for him fool you into thinking the books are great. They are written on a fourth grade reading level and the plot of the book has to be so outrageous to keep an equilibrium  with all of the sex scenes.... which towards the end get a little boring. ok-- enough with the books

in a few sentences this is what my life is while living at home with my parents:

my adult acne is back in full swing. i really miss Lost. 68% of my day is spent listening to my dad tell me some sort of story the other 32% is my mom yelling at me to either clean my room or take my dog for a walk. (yeah mom, ill take delta, the worlds most hyper dog, on a walk in 100 degree weather) i cant believe just 2 short months ago i was going out 3-4 times a week. the highlight of my day is watching jeopardy. (6:00) my mom has no regard as to what i air dry and put in the dryer so half of my shit has shrunk. lately ive been finding myself eating ramen noodles for breakfast.

so basically im on the right track for a successful life.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

50 shades of confusion

I'm gonna write this blog like it hasn't been a year since my last entry...

So I didn't sleep at all last night because a few things are on my mind. Don't worry, by reading this entry, you will be enlightened. 

First things first, I just finished "50 Shades of Grey". When I say "just", I mean as in 2 hours ago. I read through the night and finished at 5:42 this morning. Needless to say, the only reason I am able to write right now is because of the shower I had to take after reading it. Mixed emotions after finishing it. One being, I'm mad at myself for giving in...I swore I would never read it. (For those of you that have read it, how "anastasia" of me)

 Reason number one for not caring about the book, I do not have a BDSM fetish. Number two, I heard it was somewhat of an "adult version" (and a more poorly written version) of the "Twilight" love story...I think they call it a "saga" though.  (I hate Twilight)  The third reason, to be honest, I'm not ready to move on from the "Hunger Games" trilogy. I loved those characters and don't think I'm ready to let new ones in. Well....too late. 

Which brings me to my next point of my mixed emotions:
Christian Grey. I hate that I love him. I'm not going to give you a run down on his character, because chances are if you're a girl, you have probably read the book; and if you're a guy, you're not going to give a damn. Every girl could use a Christian in her life, minus his BDSM obsession and in inability to love. BUT! at last, you know that he CAN love....so you hold on to the sheer hope of him maybe tearing down his stone wall that he calls a heart and letting Anastasia in. But back to why every girl needs a Christian. Think of how easy your life would be. You could do whatever you wanted, minus his rules, buy whatever you wanted, given his approval....okay maybe he's not sounding so great as a write this....hence the mixed emotions. Wait-- Do I love Christian Grey? [I'll have to get back to you after I finish the stupid trilogy]

The last emotion that I'm feeling from the book is exhaustion. After 8 solid hours of reading, numerous sexcapades, and the added stress of "how bad is Christian going to hurt Anastasia", I'm glad it's over. However, I'm not glad that I started reading this piece of erotica at my parents house over summer break. I literally couldn't leave my bedroom. Whilst reading, my blood pressure was probably 160/80 (keep in mind I have no medical background but I'm guessing that's high) my chest was in hives, and I'm not exaggerating at some points in the book I was sweating. When I did finally close the book, I felt my blood pressure drop...so that was nice. However, couldn't go to sleep.

Secondly, I just turned the tv on and Miley Cyrus is engaged. WTF?! seriously, miley, get a life.  I'm seriously so pissed about this. 

I think my next blog is going to be a composition of things my parents say while I'm home for summer. It will give me something to do and help reiterate that I'm the most sane in my family. 

Monday, August 29, 2011

what makes a good dad

for those of you that know me, you know that i tweet about "dads" all the time. there is nothing better than a hott dad. no, im not talking about dads like danny tanner or bill cosby, im talking dads that roam campus  in outfits you could wear on easter, hair cuts with a purpose, some dads might not even be in college but  in order to be a dad they have to have a job. these dads dont always have to be greek and not all greeks are dads. there are a FEW athlete dads, assistant coaches are always dads and dads that are younger than 40 with a wedding band and young kids are obviously dads. on rare occasions, you can have a single man who is just holding a baby and he automatically becomes a dad.

characteristics of some dads:
pull overs
cole haan loafers
justin or ariat boots
classic levi jeans, light wash; sometimes wranglers
most dads are oblivious to the fact that they already are dads, unless they actually are dads
80% of dads dont have girlfriends yet
a guaranteed dad is one that drives a tahoe or truck
raybans over costas
backwards hats may or may not be a dad quality, depends on the outfit and the time of day and if it is football season
some actual fathers may not qualify to be a dad
all friends hot dads are dads
96% of dads keep their tabs open at the bar
if youre confused about deciding if a dad is in fact a dad or not, wait until he smiles, if he has dimples, hes a dad
dads like to hunt, every dad should own one gun

now, i understand this may be confusing for some of you so let me give you a visual...

These are DADS!!!!
classic dads
football dad
frat dads
actual dad and son
celebrity dad
single guy plays with nephew= dad
dad and sons


Sunday, August 28, 2011

commercials that freak me out

ive been wanting to do a blog about commercials that freak me out but i havent had my internet set up until tonight so now i can watch tv and be on the internet at the same time and really live the american dream. (and have a really long run on sentence) so knoxville has really shitty and low budget commercials that air on the reg and there is literally nothing like them. some of you may get this blog and some of you may not.

these guys have about 6 commercials that alternate and this isnt even the best one...

ok this one isnt knoxville, obviously, but jess really freaks me out bc its chaz bono's twin. and when i eat dominos the last thing i want to think about is, "did chaz bono make this pizza?"
chaz bono

this one is a video of a commercial but its SO BAD. this little boy and the realtor should be embarrassed.

um....there almost arent words for this one. nice try though- tennessee bonding co

i want to add more but i cant remember anymore of my favorites right now...ill just continually add to this page...as if any of you care.

moving the couch

Ok, so I honestly don't know why my life is the way it is. I literally tell stories of things that happen to me that no one believes. Here is one of those:
So a few weeks back, I was obviously at the bar with a bunch of my friends and at this point I was about 25 minutes from literally blacking out. Before the bar we had gone to eat Mexican and by "eat" I mean drink margaritas. So as I'm sitting at the bar out side of my friend circle, I notice this guy flirting with my bar tender friend, who is a boy. So being the nice person that I am, I figured I would intervene and save my friend. So I turn to this guy who I thought was sitting next to me but soon find out he is standing. He has on asics, cargo shorts (that was hard for me to type), and some version of a bad concert t-shirt. So I start to talk to him and find out that he just moved to Knoxville, he is a grad student concentrating on the Civil War. So he buys me a beer, we talk for what felt like a lifetime before Caroline literally drags me away. I told her she over reacted because he was gay and there was nothing to worry about.
Flash forward two weeks- My friend Joanna and I are sharing pitchers at the same bar and somehow the Civil War guy walks up. I recognize his face and he starts talking to me. I tell him that he looks familiar and he reminds me of our night together. I find out his name is Eric. I tell Eric that I have to finish moving that week but I am having trouble finding a decent guy to let us use his truck. Well, low and behold, Eric drives a truck. We exchange numbers and he tells me he would be glad to help us move. Before the night was over I knew I wasn't going to be asking Eric to help us move. Joanna also told me that Eric was not gay.
The next day Caroline barges in my room and says, "I don't care what we have to do, we HAVE to find someone help us!" It wasn't 5 minutes later before Eric text me. The nicest text message ever, by the way. Something along the lines of, "hey Jordan, its Eric. If you still need help moving I'd be glad to help you. I have a buddy coming up from Florida today around 5 so we can probably knock it out real quick." I must have still been drunk because I text him back saying "thanks! that would be great!" So of course all day I was nervous about this big move because I had only been around Civil War Eric wasted. Oh- here are some things I forgot: Eric is 29, from Chicago, went to Florida and his "buddy" that was coming to visit him was like the father figure he never had, Uncle Bob. I had completely forgotten about the "Uncle Bob" part. So around 6 Eric text me and ask when we should go, I tell him 6:30 he says great.
So it's 6:15 and I'm stressing out thinking, "please don't let this be awkward!!" I tell Caroline that she HAS to ride with us that I am  NOT going alone. I hardly know this guy, what if he wants to kidnap me?? What if he's one of those guys that I watch shows about on the ID channel? By this time I'm like in a full out sweat about how nervous I am. So 6:30 rolls around and "Eric Civil War" pops up on my phone. I answer and he tells me that he is pulling up...I see his truck and realize the worst thing that could have happened....HE DRIVES A TWO DOOR TRUCK WITH ROOM FOR 3!!!!!!!! It takes me .2 seconds to realize I have to go alone. I immediately want to vomit. He knocks on the door, I open it to realize "Uncle Bob" is like a 65 year old man, in jorts and a straight up white tee, tucked in, no belt and a camo Tennessee hat...the worst kind. It takes all that I have not to yell "What the fuck?" Caroline and my roomate Jordan literally start laughing in their faces. I turn around, tell Caroline that if at any point  I stop texting her to call 911.
So we all load in the truck, of course I sat in the middle and immediately regretted giving him my number. I was so awkward that I LITERALLY thought I was either going to pass out or throw up. It took us about 15 minutes to get to where our couch was and in the fifteen minutes I couldn't tell you one thing about what we talked about because I basically blacked out. I do remember that the reason Uncle Bob was in town was TO HELP ERIC SET UP HIS....of all things...WATERBED. I had to bite my lips together not to laugh. Their relationship was really weird, which brings me back to the point of maybe they were gay together? I don't know, what 29 year old man A. sleeps in a waterbed and B. is best friends with a 65 year old man? Did I forget to tell you that Uncle Bob was staying for a week?? It's weird isn't it?! So we load up the truck and head back to our apartment. Caroline hadn't stopped texting me and when we got back Caroline and Jordan were still laughing about the situation. I tell them to chill it out before they came in and I would tell them everything when they left. So as Eric and Uncle Bob are saying their goodbyes, I went to hug Eric to say thank you and he went in for a kiss?? I'm not sure where he was trying to plan his lips but they awkwardly landed where my jaw and ear come together. I tense up, he realizes he has made a mistake and Caroline yells and walks out of the room. I shut the door, tell Caroline and Jordan to wait until they pull out before yelling and I literally fell on the floor because I couldn't believe that had just happened to me. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry. Now every time I sit on our stupid couch I think about Eric and Uncle Bob and the most awkward time of my life.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

sorry this is like a month late

btw it took me like an hour to remember my user name and password.

Blog entry II

Sorry for the delay on the blog, I know you’ve all been holding your breath. I’ve had a lot of fans ask me to blog about this past Saturday night because, if you follow me on twitter, you would know that things were a little out of control. Caroline and I were driving to Knoxville from Florence and we had been in the car for about an hour which was an hour too long for someone to ask if  “are we going out tonight?” we both started laughing and gave each other sly smiles that meant, “duh”. So as I increased the speed from 75 mph to about 90 mph, because clearly we had plans, we started texting people to get the ball rolling.
I told Caroline that I was “scared” to go out to tonight. Here’s the back-story; last time Caroline and I had gotten back into Knoxville our dad stayed the night. He asked us if he wanted us to join him at this party at this million dollar mansion, a “welcome to our new house party”, I asked if there would be an open bar, he said yes, so the answer was obvious. Caroline, my friend Megan and I roll up with my dad to this Italian style mansion…blah, blah, blah, open bar. We start off with champagne, 1,2,3 glasses later, “Ill have a vodka tonic please”. After my fifth VT I realized I’m wasted and I drag everyone to Jimmy Johns. We get there and I couldn’t order a beach fucking club fast enough. From this point Caroline has to fill in the blanks. She says I had been in contact with one of my former victims (hook ups) I tell him to come to Jimmy J’s and to meet my dad?? WHAT & WHY??? But that wasn’t the only reason I was scared to go out Saturday.

On a normal or what seemed to be a normal Tuesday, the next week, our neighb Deavs, asked us if we wanted to go to trivia night at a place on the strip. Being awesome at trivia and wanting to drink I oblige. We get there, I obviously don’t order food (I would rather have liquid carbs) and start drinking. About 3 beers in I realize that everyone is kinda being chill and not downing their drinks? This is weird to me? I don’t understand? I felt alone. Whatever- Ill have another please. So after trivia was over and we came in third because of the nerds from the Vet school teamed up and cheated, I begged everyone to run across the street to a place that has one dollar drinks from 9-10, we have 10 minutes; clearly enough time to black out. Everyone said they would go to the bar across the street but after go home- whatever, babies. So in order to get my way, I beg Caroline and we take everyone home and Caroline and I go back to the strip. We go to another bar, just the two of us and order a beer. By this time I am straight up ready to RAGE. I also sent my friend a text that said this “I’m wasted. No one cares. Goodbye.”  “You’re my only friend, (not really, but  kinda)”. I also told a random guy sitting in front of me that he “won the prize” that his cologne smelled like ten thousand dollars….that ass hole didn’t make friends with me. So being bored with that bar I tell Caroline we are going to another bar. Well the dick that was working the door wouldn’t let me in because I didn’t have my license. I had given my keys to one of the girls that had gone back home and my license was with her. So the “bouncer” who looked like he hit every ugly branch on the way down, wouldn’t let me in. So my underage sister gets in and she and all of my friends go to the window and wave to me outside. I sit at a bench like a little brat saying really mean things to the warden of the door and from this point on it gets a little hazy. What seems like hours later which in reality was ten minutes, my friend Jordan, came with my i.d. I flash it in front of the dick hole and say “see I told you I’m 22.” As I walk in I go straight to the bar and order, of all fucking things, two Jager shots. WHAAATTT???? Why??? 

At this point I become black out and I can only give you bits and pieces of the night: I WAS BLOWING money... ON. A. TUESDAY. I just remember running around being really hot and talking in a high-pitched baby voice? HOLY SHIT!! I had become the girl that I hate. I soon realize this and not having very good coping skills I don’t know what to do so the only logical thing I can think of is to order another shot? At the bar I look at my phone and it says 11:37. ARE YOU KIDING? I just kept thinking, “fuck”. So I turn around and another on of my previous victims is there and being that I hadn’t seen him all summer, I was kind of excited to see him. He was playing darts and I WAS SO OBNOXIOUS. I begged him and his friend to let me “shoot”.  At this point they should have just shot the dart straight between my eyes. I go to shoot, loose my balance and the dart hits the baseboard of the floor. Time to go home. That’s the last thing I remember. I wake up the next morning in the guy who was playing dart’s bed. It takes me a good thirty seconds to realize what had happened. I don’t remember leaving the bar, I have no idea how his clothes were on me; I have no idea what time it is, where my phone is, or if “anything” happened. Still don’t. So as I walk in my apartment door, well low and behold, so is little sister Caroline. She just looked at me, said she hated me because she blacked out just trying to keep up with me. We go in go to bed and I remember thinking “I AM GOING TO DIE.” It was by far the WORST hangover of my entire life. EVER. NUMERO UNO! I honest to god couldn’t move my eyes without tears coming out. All I could do was lay in my bed and make noises, “call of the wild” noises, if you will. 

So as you can see with my previous history of first nights back in town, it was reasonable to be scared.  We go out, things were pretty normal on this night except at the one bar, I will refer to it as “home”, there were just straight up stupid freaks there. Everyone was getting on my nerves, there was vomit all over 2 of the 3 bathroom stalls and at this point I was at all cost avoiding going to the bathroom. I somehow got really drunk, surprise, surprise and when I got home decided to read OF ALL THINGS these child hood books that I found called “The Holy Spirit”. I read it to everyone exactly as a black preacher would preach to his congregation. I was yelling so loud that our neighbors came and checked on us. I told them “everything was fine because the Holy Spirit was with us”. After that I blacked out and fell asleep. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

First Blog

So, I'm not really sure how to "blog" so I'm going to use this site as a method of venting on how stupid people are and throughout grace you with stories about how idiotic my life is. Here's a bit of background that makes me me....
My mom is...how you say, insane in the membrane. All of my friends love her and I'm sure she would rather have them as children instead of me. Sorry' bout it. For years she  asked my friends "Is Jordan on dope?" (I was never "on dope") She's the kind of person that is my ideal person to get "riled up" in ways such as asking her what she would say to someone who offered her drugs with which she replied, "well, I'd punch them in the face and say 'no-thanks-you-son-of-a-bitch.'". Sometimes I tell her that if I were to ever get pregnant I'd have an abortion and he answer is always, "well, that's between you and God." She's the kind of woman that thinks prayer is the answer to everything. When I asked her what she thought of the Casey Anthony trail she said "Her ultimate day will come when she meets her maker." Her favorite night cap is bourbon with two ice cubes, her cat Lilly constantly meows for  her and they have a bond closer than an incest father and daughter, her idea of sex is telling a man to "go drill a hole in the wall" and she's done more for us than most moms do in a lifetime.
My dad on the other hand is the exact opposite of my mom in every way possible. If we were the same age we would probably be best friends who were drunk and ready to party all the time...He has severe ADD which in turn makes the whole family either follow in is Attention Deficiet Disorder footsteps or have severe anxiety.  Both make for a great medicine cabinet. He is always telling some story that begins with "remember my crazy friend [insert name]" or literally, "hey y'all watch this". It takes him forty-five minutes to an hour to write one ten sentence e-mail which when I lived at home he would always ask me to write for him. He has tempertanturms of a 4 year old and takes everything personal. When he went to the store one time to buy cat food for Lilly and got it wrong 3 different times, he couldn't remember to buy Fancy Feast, he came home with about every brand of cat food ever made, threw them on the counter and said he was a horrible husband and father. He had a melt down at wal-mart one time because he couldn't remember if it was evaporated or condensed milk... didn't come home for hours. He and my brother are best friends. They slept in the same bed until Campbell was like 14. He is notorious for wearing a head lamp for no particular reason and if you were to tell him to clean the kitchen, he'd organize the cabinets. My dad is in love with his dog, Tess, the same kind of love that my mom has for Lilly. He says that she is "an amazing animal."
Katie or as I like to refer to her as "The One With Diabetes" is a year younger than me. She is a clone of my mom so naturally I like to get her riled up and pick on her. Katie always has my mom in her corner. If Katie were to murder someone, my mom would justify it. Mom found pot in Katie's wallet once and when she asked her what it was Katie said "she was holding it for a friend." rrriiiggghhhttttt.  As i type this, Katie is in India, "doing God's work". She likes to think she is older and more mature than me but we all know the truth, shes not. what she needs to do is learn to respect her elders. To this day, my mom still does Katie's homework. She is going to make a great housewife.
My youngest sister Caroline is my best friend. Shes retarded. We often find ourselves in a what we call a "simple stare off" where we find ourselves literally starring at each other for minutes at a time. We are each others partners in crime, one won't be blackout without the other. You're welcome. If you see one of us the other can be ten feet behind. We have our own language that even Rosetta Stone can't decipher. Caroline has guys fall in love with her ALL THE TIME. I LITERALLY don't understand it. Guys will just look at her and if you listen quietly you can hear their hearts breaking. I usually feel bad for them because somehow I always become their friend and then once Caroline toots it, she boots it. sigh. She could have a date every night if she wanted to. If I had to describe Caroline and her actions and how she gets guys to fall in love with her it would be, she walks into a bar, usually about four drinks and two shots in, instead of hugging a guy like a normal person would do, she puts her right hand (because her left on already has a drink in it from some other sucker) on the guys chest rubs it down to about their belt area says a half-hearted hello while biting her lip and doing a somewhat of a retarded wink except her eye lid stays closed for a bit longer than what would be considered a wink. HOOK, LINE and SINK. She tends to always know or make friends with the creepiest guys, for instance, at the bar a few weeks ago she made "friends" with this guy Matt. Matt was dressed in cargo blue jean shorts down to his shins, he had on WHITE new balance tennis shoes, a north caroline jersey XXL and a north caroline FLAT BILL. When she trapped me into talking to him, I obviously asked him what he did for a living (to make him feel inferior to me) he replied with "I'm a roofer." Ding, ding, youve got a winner, caroline! Twenty minutes later Matt was in a street fight with five other guys.
Now my little brother Campbell...he's 17 and if he were to get the haircut Ive been telling him to get for months now, he could be Justin Bieber's twin. He gets everything he wants and if half boy half business man. He says he purposely skipped childhood to be a man. There will be days that I will never see him but I can always hear him on the phone to some stranger, usually out in Arkansas talking about a trade they are wanting to make...or some bullshit. My parents just let him do this, do they never think that he could be on the phone witha child molester? Am i the only one that cares? You would think that growing up with three girls he would have a soft spot for women in his heart, but he doesnt. He makes jokes about how women still shouldnt have the right to vote and how they are bad drivers. Of course me being the feminist that I am, I never laugh. My response to his bad joke is always "youll either be a great husband of a wonderful life partner." He really is funny though, I wish that was when I was 17 I was as funny as he is. He runs around the house yelling, grunting and rapping and will bleep himself out in fear of my mom slapping him in the face. He doesn't admit to being afraid of her, but he is. Im the only one that made it out with no fear of that woman.
Our family as a whole is the most dysfunctional functioning family you can imagine. Everything is funny to us now and no one takes the other seriously.